Legolas' Immortality
by SkyFire2
Summary: Poking fun at those A/L slash fic that have Legolas giving up his immortality. ;o Please review!


Legolas' Immortality  
by SkyFire  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. *sob* Rub it in, why don't you? *sob* ;)  
  
A/N: Okay, another fic poking fun at something seen all too often on FF.net. ;) That is this:   
Legolas giving up his immortality for Aragorn. It is, quite simply, impossible. Arwen and her   
kin can only do it because of their partially-human blood, which is something that Legolas   
doesn't have. He couldn't turn human even if he'd wanted to.   
  
This is also poking fun at those "Aragorn suddenly completely forgets about Arwen so that he can   
be paired with Legolas" fic. I just can't help it. *shrugs* Blame the plotbunnies.  
  
  
Please review! ;)  
  
*****  
Legolas' Immortality  
by SkyFire  
  
Aragorn walked through the wide hallways of his palace in the city of Minas Tirith. It was only   
noon, but he'd needed a respite from the burdens of the crown and so had decided to take himself   
and his lover out for a picnic in Ithilien.  
  
It had been ten years since he'd ditched what's-her-name, the Elf-maid that he'd been betrothed   
to. Elrond's daughter. Arwen, that was it. Since he'd seen Legolas all dressed up in his   
finery on the wedding day, he'd known there was no one else for him. On the spot, he'd declared   
his love for the Elven Prince, who'd said the same to him. The wedding ceremony went on, only   
with one participant replaced with the other. Aragorn and Legolas were wed.  
  
Aragorn mused on the changes that had come over Legolas since he gave up his immortality. His   
personality was as sparkling as ever, but he seemed to have a distinct lack of energy sometimes,   
especially when he would have to attend boring Council sessions or do anything else he wasn't too   
fond of. He slept in later than he had before, and sometimes complained of headaches when   
Aragorn wanted to get 'close'. He also drove the servants mad trying to fulfill his sometimes   
bizarre requests. His long golden hair was as silky as ever, though it was paler than before,   
slowly going white in places.  
  
But, despite these eccentricities, Aragorn still loved him. The Elf *had* given up his   
immortality to be with him for the rest of his life, after all.  
  
Gondor's King reached the door to his suite, opened it and went in. His nose was instantly   
assaulted by the smell of... what was that? It burned his sinuses.  
  
He followed the overpowering smell to their private bathroom, found Legolas there, wearing gloves   
while messing with his hair. A book was open near him and he was reading. He was so distracted   
by what he was doing that he didn't even notice Aragorn coming into the room.  
  
Aragorn went over to look into the bowl of liquid Legolas was blending into his hair. He picked   
it up, had only to bring it near his face before he knew the contents. Bleach, watered down.  
  
Still holding the bowl, he looked to the Elf. Yes, Legolas' hair was slightly paler than it had   
been only that morning.  
  
"Legolas?" he asked, bowl in hand.  
  
The Elf spun to face the King, eyes wide. "Aragorn! What are *you* doing he- I mean, it's   
wonderful to see you! You're early!"  
  
"Legolas, why are you putting bleach in your hair?"  
  
"Bleach? Well... I... uh..." The Elf seemed to have lost all his former eloquence.  
  
Aragorn set the bowl down, looked to the book Legolas had been reading. Marking the Elf's place   
with a finger, he looked to the spine of the book, read the title aloud in disbelief. "'How to   
Pretend You Turned Yourself Mortal for Fun & Profit!'" He looked to Legolas, who was looking   
everywhere but at him. "Pretend? You're not mortal?"  
  
Mirkwood's Prince looked to the King of Gondor's feet. "I-"  
  
"And all these things I got for you, to, as you said, ease the transition... what was all that   
for?"  
  
"I *wanted* those things, Aragorn! Mortal or not."  
  
"And your hair? You've been doing this from the start, haven't you? Why?"  
  
"I-" Legolas fell silent.  
  
Aragorn looked to the book's table of contents. "Chapter 1: How to Find a Rich Mortal Idiot.   
Chapter 2: How to get Him to Propose. Chapter 3: How to Bleach your Hair to Fake Old Age-" He   
skimmed the rest of the chapter titles. "Hmm... Faking age-tremors. 'Not Tonight, I have a   
Headache'??"  
  
Legolas was silent through the recitation, face reddening with embarrassment.  
  
At last, the King looked back to his lover. "You're just using me to get to my money!"  
  
"Well, yes," the Elf said. "Look at my father. You don't honestly think he got to be as filthy   
rich as he is by *not* doing this a time or two, do you? He's the one who leant me the book!"   
He sighed. "Aragorn. The only Elves who have the option of giving up their immortality are   
those who already have a trace of human blood in them. That means the line of Beren and Luthien.   
Elrond's line. That's it. No one else. You should have known that, growing up in Elrond's   
house. It does make for a good line, though, doesn't it? 'I'll give up my immortality for you.'"  
  
"But... you... I... We...."  
  
Legolas shook his head. "No. And now that you know this, you won't give me anything, will you?"  
  
"How about a good swift kick-"  
  
"That won't be necessary. I'll just wash this stuff out of my hair before I go silver-haired   
like Celeborn, then I'll get my things and go."  
  
With that, the Elf turned away, went over to the bath and washed out the bleach. Then he dried   
and combed his hair. Once that was done, he took his book from Aragorn's nerveless fingers, went   
into their bedroom and started packing.  
  
As he packed, he mumbled to himself. "Now, what other rich idiots are there in Middle-Earth?   
Eomer? He's available, I guess, and a King. Faramir? No, he's married to Eowyn. I suppose I   
could always seduce him, then blackmail him. He *is* rather nice-looking...."  
  
Aragorn simply stood by and watched numbly as his lover of ten years packed and left. Then he   
shook himself, walked to the Great Hall where his throne sat. He yelled for his Steward, who   
came quickly.  
  
"Yes, sire?"  
  
"I want letters sent to every rich human idiot- I mean man- on Middle Earth. Women too."  
  
"Every-"  
  
"Yes, every one. This is what I want you to write: 'Beware Elves who offer to give up their   
immortality for you. This is an Elven scam-'"  
  
END  
  
  
Poor Aragorn! *g* Poor rich idiots of Middle-Earth! So, what did you think of it? Click the   
button down there and review, hmm? ;o) 


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